Turning off the noise

I am restless. Not blocked, or bored, but restless. Ideas swarming like flies that I can’t capture, and the buzzing keeps me awake. As the days are still cold and quiet, I’ve embraced the fortune of both time and space to dive into the creative work that challenges me the most. Through my painting I dig deep to manifest what I have inside; every saturation of colour is a craving to be set free. But through this work there is a tension, and I sometimes wonder, what would I let loose if I could turn off the noise. If the distraction of being watched, of having to share, wasn’t there.

In maybe too much solitude, I want to quiet my mind but I am thinking too much. Thinking how every stroke I make should fit within the frame I’ve created. Sometimes those strokes don’t feel worthy. And sometimes, and isn’t it bliss, when those strokes fly. When they capture the moment and tell the story so purely. I still haven’t learned to control this sensation. How to move between the distractions and awareness, the concentration and inhibitions. It’s both liberating and dreadful. But I continue to move between these lines, where I can turn off the noise, and open the heart.